I have learned to read marriage advice books with a grain of salt. There might be some small idea that really works for me. I don’t ever expect to do exactly as the author says.

And in the process, I noticed there are not a lot of creative resources for the happily married. Most marriage books tell you about all the ways a marriage can go wrong, at least in the first half of the book. This may not be the approach you and I need.

What we focus on grows! It’s a law of nature.

Finally, sisters, whatsoever things are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, and of good report; if there is any virtue and if there is anything to praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8, paraphrased

When reading marriage advice these days, I expect to find some things I am doing right. I’m looking for validation instead of identifying problems. I expect to do what the author did—pray, observe, get inspiration, and experiment.

These are things that fill my cup and make it possible to keep pouring out love. I hope it helps you identify what fills your love cup.

A Few Ideas To Spark Love

Identify your rhythms. We can only pay attention to what we can name, and we can only name what we notice. What rhythms do you dance to?

We hold hands from the car to the church door. We have never talked about this or decided to do it. It just happened. Even if we aren’t feeling especially loving we still hold hands and it’s a good rhythm.

I noticed long ago that we seldom went on a date. So I started calling Saturday morning a date. It is our most relaxed mealtime in the week. After identifying that, I felt like we were having weekly dates, right there at our own breakfast table. It has a happy influence on me to reframe things in a positive light. This may have no effect on your experience, but if you like words, give your rhythms names you like and observe how it makes you feel.

Bless yourself. Get out that stack of wedding cards and untie the ribbons. Read one card out loud each night just before you fall asleep. It can take you right back to the day it all began so you can feel those feelings again. In a strange way, all these blessing from friends at the beginning of your life together can feel even more poignantly sweet years down the road. You can talk about the people the card was from. You can do this with old cards from each other, too.

A book of love poems or quotes by the bed is handy, also, when you run out of cards.

Bless him. Pray for him. Get a guided prayer journal and make all the prayers about him. Write them down. I have used 40 Prayers for My Husband by Selena Fredrick. And just now I have the idea of reading these prayers out loud to him…

Laugh. This is so important. We need to laugh together. I have learned to laugh at blond jokes most days. Awhile back, as I left the kitchen, I said, “It’s only seven o’clock, supper is over and cleaned up, and I’m still married to you.” We both found that funny, for some reason.

Name your feelings. Giving my feelings a name feels scary in a way that is hard to explain, but putting them into words diffuses their power. I can see feelings objectively. Name them to your husband. This isn’t complaining, it’s processing. There are very few basic feelings and it gets easier with practice.

Please don’t say, You make me feel… Claim the feelings as your own and say I feel… Here is a handy chart if you are at a loss for words.

Let him be. He doesn’t have to think like you. You don’t have to agree all the time. Let him create his own problems and solve them, too. You can keep on loving him. This probably warrants more explanation, but you are smart and can probably sense when you need to let go of control.

Increase your happiness vocabulary. We are more used to expressing griefs, pet peeves and complaints than joys. I tend to think if something goes right, that’s not a big deal, it’s just how it’s supposed to be. Sit with a feeling of success and express it to others or on paper. Say thank you a lot.

Track the good stuff. Remember what we focus on grows? Think of something you like and track it for a month or a year. I’ve tracked dates (using a very broad definition of date) social events, fun activities. You could track eating out, drives together (count work too), if you made him laugh, or if he bought you something (probably this happens quite often). Your imagination is the limit.

Bake something. Pie is unique in that it makes you, the baker, feel virtuous, and it makes them, the diners, feel special. And doesn’t it look pretty cooling on the windowsill?

I see that most of these ideas involve words. This makes sense because my love language is words of affirmation. What makes you feel loving? Do more of that today, for your own sake and for others’ sake.

I Love You

Whatever I said and whatever you said,
                        I love you.
The word and the moment forever have fled;
                         I love you.
The breezes may ruffle the stream in its flow,
But tranquil and clear are the waters below;
And under all tumult you feel and you know
                         I love you.

Whatever you did and whatever I did,
                         I love you.
Whatever is open, whatever is hid;
                         I love you.
The strength of the oak makes the tempest a mock,
The anchor holds firm in the hurricane's shock;
Our love is the anchor, the oak and the rock.
                          I love you.

Whatever I thought and whatever you thought,
                          I love you.
The mood and the passion that made it are naught;
                          I love you. 
For words, thoughts and deeds, though they rankle and smart,
May never delude us or hold us apart
Who treasures this talisman deep in his heart,
                           "I love you."
--Arthur Guiterman

For some reason, I have a feeling this man was making a choice in his heart as he wrote this poem. He doesn’t deny words and deeds and thoughts, but underneath he chooses unconditional love. I can do that too.

That’s what makes a happily ever after.

–Liz

An old bookmark of mine, that also reminds me of my word of the year.