Danny Silk, 2013

Connection, Communication and Boundaries

Keep Your Love On explains how you can manage yourself and so build connection with other people. This book was recommended to me from a teacher at Raising Hope Ranch.

This book is different from most relationship books I have read. It has a Christian perspective, but doesn’t come down heavy on the guilt and sin part of it. Sometimes we just don’t know how to be in a relationship and nobody ever taught us. Even if our parents gave us some good examples, we were not inside their heads and didn’t catch on to everything that goes on behind the scenes. I appreciate that the author assumes I don’t know and would like to learn.

Also Mr. Silk doesn’t waste a lot of space giving examples of all the ways we can go wrong. I have found relationship challenges to be so varied and unique to each case that an example doesn’t translate across to my life very well. Instead, he establishes some principles of healthy relationships that apply across many scenarios.

Here is what I learned:

In every interaction with people, we either seek distance or connection. The goal of all relationships should be connection. Fear leads us to seek distance. We think distance is safer but it’s actually just lonelier. Perfect love casts out fear. Acting from love encourages connection.

I learned my family members’ love language. This is a useful tool for connection. The goal is not to agree in our interactions, but to understand each other. Then everyone can be their real selves when we aren’t expected to agree. Especially during conflict, it’s important to strengthen the connection by employing the appropriate love language. Before resolution of an issue, we must have a strong enough connection to bear the strain. I am powerful when I identify your need and meet it. You are powerful when you identify my need and meet it.

It’s my job to tell you about me, to express my needs in the relationship. It’s your job to tell me about you. It’s best to share needs by starting your sentence with I. Example: I feel (emotion) when (describe experience) and I need to feel (emotion). It is disrespectful to tell someone how they are feeling or what they are thinking. I can only tell you about me. We must willingly disclose our hearts for another person to understand us. Sharing our needs in this way, (even if we have to say things the other person doesn’t want to hear) creates trust between us and strengthens the connection. I show my trust for you by telling you the truth about me. You can be vulnerable and powerful at the same time.

It’s my responsibility to protect my time, energy, resources and relationships. Not everybody has the same access to me because my time energy, resources and relationships are limited. Saying no to some things makes it possible to say yes to the people most important to me. I manage others level of access. This is righteous, healthy, normal and good. It’s not about controlling others but about managing me. Setting up boundaries makes it possible to give when and where God calls me to. These boundaries keep good things in my life and protect my closest relationships. Setting and honoring boundaries creates respect and honor in my connections with people. Boundaries are created by getting good at saying what I will or won’t do.

Forgiveness is a must. Relationships will require this of me. Forgive those who hurt me, forgive myself, forgive God. Everyone. Do not judge because this comes from fear. Turn the case over to one who always judges righteously – God. Perfect love casts out fear.

I cannot control relationships. All I control is my free choice to love others and to receive their love. This makes me a powerful person. A powerful person manages herself, and let’s other people manage themselves.

Connection. Understanding. Telling the truth about myself. Boundaries. Forgiveness. All are required in my relationships. All are within my power of choice. Accepting this responsibility creates healthy relationships.

I guarantee this book has something to teach you. I hope you read it. Let me know in the comments what you learned.

–Liz

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